I am worthy… How this statement can change your life

i-am-worthyMany months have passed since I last wrote here on a personal level. In large part, that’s because the “I” that the majority of people who know me and even “I” myself in fact, simply wasn’t present. At least, not in the form I once was. It seems that this “I” first had to be shattered before a truer and stronger version of “I” could emerge. The version of myself that existed before the world came along and tarnished it. Before my parents drove home the message that I was not worthy of love or my grandparents, or almost every partner I have had since. But whose love is it we seek? Who is it we lose when we find ourselves embroiled in situations and relationships that take us to the edge? Because most of us have done it. Most of us have been in a bad relationship at some point. But by living and embracing the journey, we have the opportunity to find out. We are given the opportunity for immense healing and through contrast, are then able to recognise crystal clearly when something is wrong and when something is mmmmmmm, oh, so right.

The last two years have seen me attempting to build my business – a business that has demanded an incredible level of physical strength – whilst living in a relationship that was destroying me both physically and emotionally. The saddest fact of the matter was that on some level, I was aware that I was experiencing abuse both physical and emotional during the course of the relationship but I felt powerless to do anything about it. Why? Because I didn’t completely trust my own judgement and as a result, I was in fact, abusing myself.

This was compounded by the fact that my partner seemed incapable of recognising that her behaviour was unhealthy and spent much of the time in which we did communicate, doing a very good job of making me feel that the problems lay at my feet. During our break up, this was made public as she villified me on facebook with accusations, attacked me via my facebook business page and directly contacted friends to warn them that I needed help. Furthermore, leaving the relationship wasn’t straightforward, because however true it was or not, I came to believe that I was reliant on her financially and I had my three rescue horses to think about.  I knew that in leaving, I faced potential homelessness and losing them as there was no way I could afford to move them to a livery yard – nor would I want to as around Bristol that would mean locking them up.  Considering that horses have been my reason for living during some of the darkest times in my life since I was a child, you can imagine the pain that thought brought me.

Fortunately, through talking and counselling, I was able to see the dynamics at play and friends mirrored back to me the state of my own reflection which had become the shadow of the person I once was having literally disappeared into my own darkness. Grief, loss, abuse and ultimately, self-sacrifice. With hindsight I can understand and embrace the lessons this relationship delivered. Through couples counselling we uncovered some of the shadow aspects that had led to our union; She was afraid of abandonment, I was afraid of being unworthy. Throughout my life, the unconscious belief that was the legacy of my childhood, “I am not worthy” had haunted me and this relationship brought that belief right out into the open. I realised that I had placed another person’s needs and values at the centre of my life instead of trusting and living my own. In truth, life is an experiment.

I couldn’t have known in the first instance that I would respond to some of the situations I found myself in within the relationship in the way that I did and for that, I cannot blame my ex partner. However, one would hope that over time, those situations could be avoided through communication and loving intention. What I learned was that this would not change and to continue in the relationship would mean inflicting further damage upon me. Mindfulness made me keenly aware of the detrimental effect it was having on me as I found 90% of my waking thoughts spent grappling with our latest battle. There were many times too where I felt suffocated. Where although I was told I could be whatever I wanted to be and still be loved, the energy was not in sync with this and I felt as though the love would be withdrawn if I did not behave in accordance with her expectations. All of this rang true for events that surrounded me in childhood and in fact, from society at large. We are all bombarded with the message that in order to receive love and attention, we should look and behave in certain ways.

I know that some of my friends and family members felt that I wasn’t being true to myself by engaging in the relationship in the first place… that deep down I am not gay but what I would say is that we are fluid every changing ever learning creatures (or at least if we allow ourselves to be so). We are here to discover ourselves and we can only do that by experiencing ‘others’. For example, I now know how it feels to be in receipt of a woman’s romantic love and to reciprocate that. I also know how it feels to touch a woman and can understand far better the beauty in the female body right down to her sexual organs. This means I understand better how others experience me.

I know the power of female sexuality; how it feels to be the subject of a female’s desire and it is one of the most powerful things I have ever experienced. Ladies – you are goddesses, every single one of you and you deserve to know it! As a result of this relationship, although pain was prevalent, I am forever grateful for the insight I have gained through this experience and the place it brought me to which is to expect so much more from a partner both sexually, physically, spiritually and emotionally. It made me unwilling to compromise because essentially, in compromising or settling or putting up with, we also compromise ourselves and the potential for not only happiness but spiritual and emotional growth.

In my next blog post, I outline some tips for helping you manage healing from within and without your relationships and suggestions for discerning whether or not you should let go and on that note, I leave you with this song…

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