Yoga: Remaining still in the eye of the storm – transformation in crisis 2.
So in this last three weeks I have stayed in 5 different houses, had baths run for me, hot water bottles made for me, been told I’m amazing, brave and lovely, a control freak and a nazi. I have come close to sleeping in my car (so nearly that I’ve now put my tent and a blow up bed in the boot), had the police called on me after I accidentally put my Dr Marten’d up foot through the already weak, single paned glass front door smashing it to bits as I was being kicked out of what I thought was my house and now have to collect stuff from outside it because I no longer deserve a key apparently.
I’ve had more cuddles, hugs and affection from strangers and new friends than I can possibly count and my Earth family has grown massively in the space of a week. I’ve taught yoga to beautiful people, been ferried around and fed. I’ve been offered the chance to go to Belize and had an enquiry from a journalist about horseback yoga for a national newspaper. Through all of this I am realising that I am both all and none of these things just as each and every one of us is a container for every possible experience, emotion and personality type. There is a constant abundance of love which any one of us can tap into if we can learn to trust ourselves and other people. When things turn to shit, hug friends, do yoga, cry it out and DANCE because these are the things that bring us back to our truth outside of the labels placed upon us.
Reflecting on Tom Lescher’s mantra to not get lost in creating and controlling the action – something that goes against the very conditioned nature of my being, I realised that although my first instinct was to run. I mean who wouldn’t? The offer of teaching yoga on a desert island in Belize on the outside looks like heavenly bliss, the one thing that halted me was the reappearance of horses. Everywhere I looked I saw one and given the high importance they have held in my life so far and the fact that I had left London in hope of reconnecting with them, I stopped to ask myself some questions.
What is it that really motivates me? What brings me joy? What do I need to have in my every day existence in order to be happy? Answer… freedom, yoga, horses, sunshine, friends, dancing, green countryside, healing work with children and their parents, a stable roof over my head – ideally one that is mobile. I realised that, though I have an opportunity to go to Belize for a month though amazing and exciting as it was, would exhaust my limited funds and did not fulfill a number of items on this list.
The tough thing in the midst of my homelessness turmoil is in remaining steadfast to my soul purpose. I had to really listen to my heart in order to find my next steps and that’s tough when you have people asking what jobs you’ve applied for, what housing etc. as they want to know how you are going to get yourself out of this mess. “Set your sights on your end goal. We can all do any job for a while if we know that it will get us to our goal.” Well people. I’m sorry to disappoint you but not this girl.
This situation is by far less painful than the hours of being glued to a desk in a press office fighting back tears because you’d rather be sticking pins in your eyes than going face to face with your boss in the next ‘team’ meeting or dealing with constant fear that you might get fired because you didn’t make someone’s tea right. Besides which, if I even attempted to walk that path, the universe would pretty soon slap me in the face again.
Living in fear, working under stress for unethical companies or on unethical contracts brings hurt not only to those around us but eventually to ourselves. There is a reason that right livelihood is included on the Buddhist 8 fold noble path! To re-enter the road of the commercial world, I would be practicing unkindness to myself and others. I therefore turn myself over to the universe, trusting that my desire to give in my working life will bring forth the vision I have for the career I want to lead. Healing with horses and children. This is where I put my call out for help…
What’s my vision?
Bartering in Europe for the Summer – work with horses, yoga etc. in return for food and board.
From September – a French Roulotte in Cornwall which I can take to places that will benefit from my horseback yoga, reiki and indian head massage healing pulled by two horses which will be adopted by me following rescue (Roulotte’s are big). I am about to meet someone who might well be able to help with the location part of this solution.
How am I going to make this happen? As yet I have no idea.
Through all of this I have learned that which I am not (controlling and a nazi) and that which is important to me (vocation over relationship). Until now, I have allowed many of my life decisions to be influenced by the thought that I might meet the man of my dreams. I had too little faith in my own ability to make my dreams happen and therefore hinged them on a potential man. I have now seen that no matter how amazing a relationship may feel, it cannot be relied upon as much as the love you have for yourself and the happiness you can bring into your life when you haven’t got the wrong person to worry about. I am aware that I do not, for the first time in my life, need anyone else to bring about my own happiness because I have a huge community of friends and hopefully strangers who can help me. This is why I am about to set up a crowdfunder. I will be offering love and healing in return for a stable roof over my head. Let’s see what happens.