Yoga: Heartbreak – sometimes we must feel pain to remember who we are

HeartbreakThis last few weeks have been a bit of an emotional whirlwind to say the least. I have been struggling with a tussle of the heart over a relationship which again brought issues to the surface for me to heal but at the same time, questioned my view of ‘ideal’. In the end, it came down to a the question of one of us being willing to take the leap into the unknown and use the opportunity to open up to the possibility of unconditional love but the other not so. It takes two to tango and I would have been tango-ing solo. We mirror each other in relationships and sometimes, one person isn’t ready to face what they see and in this lifetime, may never be. As much as it broke my heart to walk, I knew the way forward was to open myself to the love within and turned away from the lack of love without.

It’s a tricky thing when you know that underneath lies an infinite well of love that just needs to be untapped but essentially, if you aren’t both vibrating at the same level, one of you is inevitably going to be left feeling unfulfilled or strangled. I realised that I was going to be strangled. For the relationship to work, I’d have needed to change my free spirit and spontaneous nature for fear of upsetting the status quo and as the last week has passed, the cloud I feel I’ve been living in for the past four months appears to have lifted revealing a newer, fresher me.

I am more than conscious that there have been times that my ego has gotten the better of me and its those fears rising up which catalysed those in my partner, however, in spite of apologies, awareness and recognition of this, his fear was somehow greater. I won’t go into details in case he should read them here as the last thing I wish to do is create further pain but I wanted to share the struggle that I’m sure many of you reading have experienced as a relationship is put to the test.

Although I am now aware of my ego and conscious when it is playing me, there are still times when I wonder where to draw the line. How does one decide enough is enough? Where is the boundary between ego and love and fulfillment? My personal guideline is drawn where I feel we meet. If we are not meeting in the middle in terms of needs and effort, there is clearly imbalance which must be addressed. Is your partner honouring you? Are they honouring your needs? Are your needs ego driven or from the heart? Are they formed on the basic level on which for you, a relationship will work or are you asking for things that are unachievable and based in fear? Does talking get you nowhere?

Personally, at risk of being reductive, the final straw was deciding that I couldn’t see a way to integrate cricket into our long distance relationship – a choice between spending a bank holiday with me at one of my best friend’s wedding and camping or sat in front of a match in which he chose the latter – and in spite of the below, creative suggestion (tempting I have to say lol), it just wouldn’t work in ‘our life’ and he wasn’t willing to make space for me in his so I figured I’d say au revoir. C’est la vie.

“Choosing cricket over you sounds crazy… is there a way of having both? like combing you with cricket? you can wear whites to bed. Or after a bout of passion, you can shout “Howzat?’ , or you hit him around the head with a bat when he chooses cricket over you.”

In answering these questions, also consider, how much of you must be sacrificed in order to make the relationship work. Does it require sacrifice of your self or self love? Do you love the other person more than you love yourself?

My guide is that, if a relationship is preventing me from practising self love, in truth, I cannot truly love them and I must therefore let go and I have found in doing so, a new layer in truth. For though this process has been filled with pain, on the other side I remember who I really am and I hope that the time I spent with that person has brought them close to this place too. I will always love them, the same as I love all those who have passed between my sheets, in spite at times, of their ‘wrong-doing’. It does not mean that I can be with them.

A friend sent me the above image because she knows, I am one who wears her heart on her sleeve and is not afraid to love. In fact, everyone I meet on an intimate level is freely gifted my love and that’s why in the past, I’ve been hurt so many times. However, had I not done so, I may not have truly come to know myself and through much healing, discovered that everything I need is already here and another person can only complement me unless they be a twin flame and therefore, take me onto a new plane.

My plea to anyone reading this going through heart break is to feel it, to live it but to know that it will pass, like everything else in this life so don’t give in to fear. The pain of a relationship ending comes more from the loss of the idea of how things will be (the future) and how things were (the past) rather than how they actually are. The sooner you can bring yourself into the present, the sooner that pain will pass. So the next time you meet someone special, give yourself wholly, love them fiercely but remember who you are. In the meantime, I’ve taken up knitting!!